It all begins in Mundelein, or "Portillo's or Bust!"

It started with a boyhood dream. To follow in the tire tracks of Mickey & Minnie, accompanied by Donald, Daisy and their "nephews," in one of the favorite novels of my youth, travelling across the country in a motor home.

How I've yearned to drag, er, drive my family across state borders, pending the expiration of their various statutes of limitation, to see the sights of this great country. Inspired by my brief stays on rock & roll tour busses at Bonnaroo, and motivated by the never-ending patience, persistence, resourcefulness and wisdom of my lovely wife, we located a suitable vehicle in the northwest suburbs.

It's been documented that an inspirational private screening of "RV" was scheduled prior to our departure. Frankly, that kind of freaked me out -- not just Robin Williams' over-acting, or the total absence of rapport with his wife, portrayed by Cheryl Hines, best known as Larry David's ex-wife on "Curb." I'd previously worried about steering the immense vehicle, now my concern was that I'd hook up the wrong hose and be covered in fecal matter, spewing into the sky like Old Faithful run amok. (We're not going that far this time...)

So I really tried to pay attention during the instructional portion of the RV pick-up, but Frank was speaking very fast, rarely emphasized the cogent points, and, regrettably, due to his heavy accent, I could only discern about 2 out of every 3 words he uttered.
Time to hit the road. Hoping for the best.

But with a seemingly insurmountable median blocking our path to the Badlands as we pulled out of the rental RV lot, we relied upon Bex and her Droid GPS to lead us to our destination. Unfortunately, she was hungry, and she led us well out of our way to Portillo's where she and Joe could wolf down their immense chicken parm sandwiches, with Catherine carefully nibbling her ravioli (mere days after removal of her wisdom teeth), and me chomping on a Big Beef while I imagined the open road and narrow lanes and giant trucks ahead of us.

But first, a traditional family visit to Super Target. (We're never going to leave the suburbs...)